Ursa Fructose
by BandGeek58407
Summary: In which Edward buys a six pound bag of very inedible gummy bears and refuses to share anyway. Cue chaos. Oneshot.


**Oneshot Fest 1: Twilight. **

**Anyway. This is my first Twilight fic, so…well, I'd say excuse any instances of OOC, but as you might guess from the summary, a good part of this is a bunch of characters going completely OOC. Enjoy, because even Edward has to be ridiculous sometimes.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephanie Meyer. So what does that mean? These characters aren't mine!**

_**Ursa Fructose **_

As anyone could have guessed, it was a dreary day in Forks: raining, the temperature too low to be comfortable yet too high to make snow. Every movement one took outside seemed to slosh with vitamin-E-deprived dread, and more so than usual. Refusing to face the dull, sullen atmosphere—a subtle protest to the everyday nature of it all—the general public cozied up to watch reruns of _Friends_ or a marathon of _Pirates of the Caribbean_, accompanied by fuzzy blankets and bowls of freshly-popped popcorn.

Of course, this being the general public, Edward Cullen was not involved in such sedate shenanigans.

In fact, the vampire was standing, examining thoughtfully with bronze eyes edged with a hint of black, contemplating the choices laid before him with his honed, century-old mind. He was in the convenience store down the street.

The specimen he was considering to buy was not normal, even by his skewed standards. In context of the season, it was probably leftover from Halloween, which had been plaguing the Cullen family with ironic daggers all the previous month. Why else would it have been so humongously massive? Surely no normal person would have been able to consume the entire quantity before it became stale.

So he bought it.

And he didn't even bother dashing back to the secluded house with his usual celerity; there was something oddly, childishly pleasing about meandering down the sidewalk, a spring in one's step, and having one's arms hugged around the bulky packaging. He almost skipped, but then he remembered himself. For all he knew, Mike Newton was around the corner, ready to put incriminating videos on the internet. No, no, there was to be no skipping today—just lots and lots of gummy bears.

Six pounds, to be precise, and of all imaginable colors and flavors.

And Edward had no earthly or vampirical idea what he should do with them. He just knew he wanted the bag—a rare moment of weakness that had simply screamed (earsplittingly) to be indulged. What was an immortal to do? Ignore it?

Right.

As his luck would have it, nearly the entire Cullen family, plus Bella, was settled around the living room adjoining the foyer, and upon his entry there was a lull in conversation. Maybe it was chance—more likely it was Alice having visions of gummy bears dance in her head. At any rate, when Edward walked in, they were quieter than a spy movie on mute and staring to boot.

"Hello," he said slowly, a hint of confusion coloring his voice. For a long while, they remained there in silence; he tried to read their thoughts, but those mainly consisted of a three-letter text-speak acronym that he had never bothered to learn. He just assumed it stood for "why the fruit-snacks?"

As usual, Bella's mind was still off-limits, but he didn't need his ability to know what she was thinking.

Finally Emmett cleared his throat and pointed to the bag. "Whatcha got there, Edward?"

"Why does it matter?" Unconsciously he could feel his grip tighten almost protectively.

"'Cause you've been gone for an hour and then came back with…with…_that_." His gestures to the bag became more exaggerated. "We're all kind of curious."

"Too bad." Now the package was crushed against him like a security pillow, like only the most vicious thunderstorm (or set of teeth) could snatch it away. To all observers, his actions were more than a little disconcerting.

"Edward—" Jasper started, but his mere act of speaking sent Edward into a frenzy.

"No!" Jumping some off the ground, he skidded back toward the piano. "No, no, no, Jasper, I know what you're trying to do. Well, you know what? You know what? You know what?"

"_What_ do we know, Edward?" sighed Rosalie, clearly fed up with the debacle.

"They're _my _gummy bears!" he shouted, inching bit by bit to the staircase. "_My _gummy bears!"

"Gummy bears?" Bella muttered under her breath.

"And nobody can have them," he continued as he mounted the first step. "Because I bought them." Another step was climbed. "For me." Tentatively his foot rested on the third, but it didn't stay for long.

A blur, a door slam, and half a second later, Edward was gone, and his empty aura left such a looming vacuum that speech was again impossible for nearly five minutes. Most everyone was relatively still (even Bella, the fidgety human), but Carlisle of all people gazed about the room, ran a hand through his hair, and chewed lightly on his right thumbnail. However, _his_ eccentricities were not as highly spectated.

"Alice," he said. "Did you see that coming?"

She swiveled around from her position on the sofa and frowned pensively. "Not quite like that."

Sighing, the doctor scanned the room once more. "Well, we can't just leave him like this," he said significantly, and as he followed Edward's path up the stairs, others soon trickled after him. By the time the large group had assembled outside the bedroom door, many seemed as if they wouldn't at all mind sprinting wildly in the opposite direction.

"Aren't you going to knock?" Bella asked Carlisle quietly.

"He knows we're here," he said, tapping his head. "I'm hoping he'll _choose_"—quite an obvious emphasis was placed on that word—"to open up and have a _calm_ discussion."

Silence.

"I don't think he took the bait," Emmett whispered, clearly hiding a snigger. "Not that I thought he—"

"I am not a fish, so I don't take bait!" yelled a voice inside the room. Within a second, the door was cracked and Edward's eyes peered uneasily at all of them; said eyes were laced with more black than they had been even five minutes ago, not that anyone else would have made the observation.

"You _know_, Edward," Bella said cautiously as she stepped forward. "They do make gummy fish—Swedish fish I think they're called. And they're all red." A chorus of "like blood!" boomed from the thoughts of all the vampires and the intrusion set off a migraine-like throb in Edward's temple.

"Why are they Swedish?" he prodded, voice growing in speed by the moment. "What's so special about Sweden that they claim the rights to an entire gummy species?"

"I, uh…well—"

"Rhetorical question, Bella dearest," he said hurriedly. "Maybe I want Edwardian sea lions, yellow Edwardian sea lions. Do Swedish fish taste like fish or cherries?" There was a pause. "That was your cue to answer."

"Oh. Well…" Bella shifted nervously, being the only one present who could answer the question from experience. "It's a weird taste…not really either—"

"All right, then. My yellow Edwardian sea lions will taste like chocolate-covered strawberries."

An overly-awkward silence ensued: on one end, all those who currently had some hold on their sanity were lost for words, while the member of their party having a neuron spasm stared, waiting for any sort of response.

"I think it'll be a hit," shrugged Emmett.

"Thank you." And at that, the door was deftly slammed in their faces.

"Oh dear," Alice sighed.

Carlisle eyed her. "Did you catch what he's going to do?"

"No." Leaning against the wall, she sighed again. "He's not thinking straight enough to actually _make_ decisions. He's kind of just…doing things. Chaotically, I might add. Jasper, do you think you could…?"

The younger vampire nodded, and not a moment later did a shout of "STOP IT, JASPER!" sound from beyond the walls. "Sorry," he said when he was met with a hoard of looks that Edward was assuming meant why-the-fruit-snacks. "I'm not crossing him right now. Be my guest. Please."

And it had started off as an almost normal afternoon, too. Briefly Carlisle recalled a lesson from a physics course long ago—the Law of Entropy. _"A system always moves toward a state of greater disorder."_ "Isn't that the truth," he murmured.

Suddenly Edward was face-to-face with them, door completely swung open. "Carlisle," he stated, more civil than he had been all day. "I am not entropical. As you can very well tell, a palm tree I am not—not entropical. Thank you. The end. Fini. Bye." Slam.

This left the doctor's frown squirming about his face for some time before anyone could speak.

"I take it he misunderstood the definition you must have been thinking," Emmett said, scratching the back of his head.

"Completely."

"DID NOT!"

"Did so, and you know it," Alice called as she leaned her head on the door. Everyone else deemed that a very risky position should he go to open it again. "Edward, please?"

Silence.

"He's not coming out by himself," she declared, her fingers brushing a stray strand of hair from her face. "You know what that means, right?"

The closer that Alice got to her implication, the wider Jasper's eyes became—everyone assumed it was quite painful stretching back his lids like that. "No," he said finally. "I'm _not_ going in there—"

"Jasper…" Carlisle said with an edge of warning. "We need everyone to help right now—"

"Do you even know what a gummy bear _is_?" he exclaimed, inducing some whiplash in those following the conversation. His hand motions grew stiff and jerky as his eyes morphed from saucers to intense squints. "I mean…we go in there, and he could…_pelt_ them at us—not fun—and if he licks them first, they could stick to things…see? See?" He wildly pointed at Carlisle's blank expression. "You're confused 'cause you don't even know what I'm talking about! They didn't have gummy bears when you were human; for all I know, you could've gotten _excommunicated_ for mentioning gummy bears!" No one bothered to point out that England in Carlisle's time was no longer Roman Catholic, and even if they had wanted to, Jasper flew down the stairs so quickly as to physically interrupt any protest.

Again, silence was kept.

"Clearly," Carlisle sighed, "gummy bears are a behavior-altering super drug of some sort, judging by Edward and Jasper's reactions."

At that point, Bella just had to excuse herself.

Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie exchanged glances as Carlisle hemmed and hawed over a course of action. If only Esme had been home—she could have slapped some sense into those silly boys and, most importantly, hidden that godforsaken bag Edward was clutching like Linus' security blanket.

Only without the thumb-sucking, since that would've been weird.

"We're coming in," Rosalie called. Something had to be done. Of course, what that something was escaped them once they were facing Edward and the gummies. It was a stare-down reminiscent of any old western, the classic theme song and tumbleweed being added in the imaginations of a few—meaning Emmett.

"Hand over the bag, Edward," Alice said flatly, already aware of the inevitable reply.

"Never! They're mine! And yes," he added, "I plan to eat each and every one of them!" Despite the holes in said plan, he looked rather smug.

"Look at the ingredients," she sighed.

"OK."

"Is the word 'blood' written anywhere in that list?"

"No…but there's high fructose corn syrup and yellow 5 lake!" His enthusiasm failed to catch on, but he failed to notice: bulk is distracting.

"Edward." Very slowly her hands went to her hips. "You. Can't. Eat. Those."

"WATCH ME!" Then, without warning (other than his outcry), he leaped to his bookshelves, chucked a CD case at their heads (with a cry of "think fast," but they were all rather preoccupied), and scurried out the door—with the gummies, to be sure.

For once Carlisle looked as if he were about to lose it. "Edward, how many times do I have to say if you're going to throw things, take it outside?" The doctor jogged after him.

Luckily for her skull, Alice had been able to catch the case before it made contact, though she did not appear too pleased. "Edward Cullen!" she hissed, staring at the cover. "I have been searching for this Apocalyptica album for a year and a half!" And she, too, stormed off.

Emmett and Rosalie decided to go hunting. It would be less dangerous, anyway.

It wasn't long before Carlisle and Alice caught up with Edward in the foyer, seeing as he had been ambling merrily with his candy. "You stole this." She held the CD before his nose, a glare coloring her face.

His, in turn, fell. "Oh…um…would you believe me if I said that…I had _every intention_ of, um…bringing it back, and that if I _didn't _borrow it, then someone who would break it would have instead?" For good measure, he cracked a smile; however, he had been a few inches short.

"Hundred-year-old vampires should not base their logic off live-action Disney movies." Shaking the case again for emphasis, she stalked off toward the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Bella and Jasper were hiding behind the couch in the living room, quite the useful place to be. Only their eyes and their fingertips were visible along the sofa's back edge. "This was a good idea," he murmured.

"Wasn't it?" Her point was reinforced when Alice emerged from the kitchen with a long, shiny, serrated knife.

"Yeah…" Jasper said, frantically trying to ebb her anger for her. Unfortunately, his good intentions were met with a sharp metallic point brushing the tip of his nose. "Eh…"

"That's what I thought."

What good was his ability when everyone around was so threatening and armed with deadly kitchen utensils? Not very, apparently.

"Oh, Edward—hey!" From their hiding place, Jasper and Bella could easily discern the green speck on the sea of white. "Did you just throw that gummy bear at me?"

Suddenly three more green gelatinous bears were cascading through the air from behind a particularly leafy plant. "Yes!" A couple more followed. "The green ones are gross!"

"HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW?" The downpour of lime-flavored omnivorous mammals grew greater and greater, to the point where Alice had to resort to wielding the dangerous knife like a baseball bat.

It was weird.

"Hey!" Edward yelled twenty seconds into the ordeal. "Stop hitting me back!"

"Make me."

Within seconds, the high-ceilinged room was a torrential rainbow storm of bears akin to a hurricane, for pretty much anything that even approached Alice was slapped right back to the tree, inducing many a shriek.

"Hm…" Bella sighed calmly. "Care Bears meets Soul Caliber." She glanced at Jasper, who shrugged.

Of course, this fruity battle being a tad louder than normal chatter, Carlisle was forced to come reexamine the sibling spat. He didn't stay long, though it looked as if he was dialing Esme's number on his cell phone. About time, really.

And then the doorbell rang—it was a miracle Bella could hear it over the din, much less maneuver to the door unharmed.

"Jacob?" she sighed, exasperated. How fitting.

"Hey…" He could easily spot the debacle over her head, but his gaze didn't linger. "I went by your house and Charlie said you were up here, so…" Finally he couldn't resist. "OK, what's going—"

"AHA!" In a Babe-Ruth-esque swing, Alice sent a lone yellow bear squealing back to the ficus, ending in a loud smack.

Staggering from said ficus, Edward was gripping his left eye like it had been shot. He could hardly appear sober in the pain. "You hit my _eye!_"

"Finish him!" Jacob growled in his best Mortal Kombat voice. Whatever satisfaction he gained from that quickly dissipated under Bella's ensuing gaze.

"Really?" she said, rolling her eyes. "You're not helping at this point." Instead of helping, they were merely watching, watching as Alice abandoned the knife to jump on Edward's back, trying to snatch the troublesome bag away as he threw the surprisingly large amount of bears remaining into the air like a wedding's flower girl. And there was yelling and screaming like the mansion had never before witnessed.

Jacob slowly ran his fingers along his cheekbone. "I really don't think there's any way we _can_ help."

As he said this, Carlisle (accompanied by Esme) returned to the scene. From across the room, neither Bella nor Jacob could pick up any actual words. They _could_ tell, however, that Esme was shooting Carlisle quite a look. If Edward had been paying even a scrap of attention, her look would have translated as "why the fruit-snacks," only much more fed-up.

"You know," Bella said, looking up at Jacob, "you've got one hell of a point."

XXX

**Hope that wasn't too weird for you. Kudos if you recognized which Disney movies Edward was alluding to—Pirates of the Caribbean 1 and National Treasure. **

**And why yes, I have actually seen a bag of gummy bears that big. **

**Reviews are fun and they make me smile! **


End file.
